March 20, 2016 § Leave a comment
I’m a muller, an over-thinker, you might say. I tend to latch onto thoughts and chew on them well past the point of helpfulness. Contemplation and introspection can do worlds of good, but one can also get stuck in the mire of one’s worries and what ifs if there’s no release, no eventual moving-on. I’ve been caught here lately, wondering where I’ll live when my lease is up, lamenting why it’s so hard to find a roommate/nice guy to take me out to dinner, why my phone doesn’t ring when I need a friend, and why things cost money I don’t have (The nerve!). Sometimes the only cure for being stuck in my head is to move my body out. Yesterday was a misty, overcast day that brought a chill with it: not exactly uplifting weather for my melancholy mood. But today…the sun came out, and the chill breeze ruffled the beautiful budding tree branches and flower petals. I walked along the paths at the botanical gardens not far from my house and took my time to enjoy the signs of life returning around me. It is true that everything looks a better in the light, the light of day and by God’s spiritual light. My bouts of loneliness tend to appear at night, when it’s black out and feels bleak within. My thoughts can sometimes follow the track of the sun across the sky, darkening as the light fades. I know this, and yet I’m not always on my guard against it.
As that Mumford and Sons song eloquently puts it: “Hold on to what you believe in the light/When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight.” In the dark cloud of my worries, I forget God’s promises to his children. In my loneliness, I fixate on what I don’t have or what I think I need. But, God is gracious to pull me back, to reveal to me my lack of a thankful heart and to love me still. It’s difficult some days to cease my navel-gazing, but I do seek to fix my eyes on Jesus, to remember all he has provided, and to trust that his plan for my future is good. Walking among his beautiful creation is one way to reorient my heart and mind.